Goodbye world.
You will soon be rid of my black stain.
You were kind to me, but Im just not cut out to be here.
You will soon be rid of my black stain.
You were kind to me, but Im just not cut out to be here.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
I know I don't say much when it comes to us. I am afraid to. I am afraid that if I say all the things that I want to say to you, I might jinx everything. I don't want to indulge myself in the thoughts of how great we can be together in the future; the things we can do, the things we can experience, the memories that we can make. I cannot permit myself to expect something because to do so means that I have hope. And hope leaves me wide open. And that terrifies me more than anything.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
No Future
“It’s no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn’t even speak to each other if they met at a party.”
Tangled
I honestly fell in love with this movie. It made me feel like that little girl I used to be again. New favorite princess? Very likely.
Well played Disney, well played.
Well played Disney, well played.
This scene is so beautiful, very cliche and corny but it'll make youre heart grow warm fuzzles of delight.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Words to Remember
sylph - a graceful and slender young woman.
euphony - a bearable or agreeable sound.
quixotic - extremely romantic and chivalrous.
pareidolia - a psychological phenomenon, wherein a person has the notion of seeing faces of people in clouds, hearing hidden messages and other such unusual feelings.
phalerate - decorated; made beautiful.
betwixt - between.
crepuscule - twilight; dusk.
epicaricacy - taking pleasure in other’s misfortune; schadenfreud.
nepenthe - something, such as a drink or a drug, capable of making one forget suffering.
exosculate - to kiss fervently or heartily.
lacuna - a blank space or missing part.
euonym - a pleasing or beautiful name.
quarender - a dark red apple.
halcyon - calm and peaceful; tranquil. Prosperous; gold.
ubiquitous - being or seeming to be everywhere at the same time; omnipresent.
soigné - showing sophisticated elegance; fashionable. Well-groomed; polished.
euphony - a bearable or agreeable sound.
quixotic - extremely romantic and chivalrous.
pareidolia - a psychological phenomenon, wherein a person has the notion of seeing faces of people in clouds, hearing hidden messages and other such unusual feelings.
phalerate - decorated; made beautiful.
betwixt - between.
crepuscule - twilight; dusk.
epicaricacy - taking pleasure in other’s misfortune; schadenfreud.
nepenthe - something, such as a drink or a drug, capable of making one forget suffering.
exosculate - to kiss fervently or heartily.
lacuna - a blank space or missing part.
euonym - a pleasing or beautiful name.
quarender - a dark red apple.
halcyon - calm and peaceful; tranquil. Prosperous; gold.
ubiquitous - being or seeming to be everywhere at the same time; omnipresent.
soigné - showing sophisticated elegance; fashionable. Well-groomed; polished.
That's All There Is
“My dear, you don’t seem to realize that all there is in life is love. That’s all there is. Money doesn’t matter, what you own doesn’t matter, how old you are, who your friends are, what you accomplish in life, means nothing. The only thing worth anything is love. Love is what makes our time on Earth worth something. And you know something else? Love, true love, is rare. It doesn’t happen very often. Most people spend their lives searching for it and never find it.” ~Nellie Montgomery
C'est la Vie
I already know I am the least loved in this family. My parents were honest with me. It's been a day and a half since the event and aftermath of it all. I dont feel a thing. Well I did cry a little because of that, but mostly for something else. Honestly I dont think I really care. It makes me feel better about not being good enough for them. C'est la vie.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Sometimes, I have to remind myself why I'm doing this. Because honestly, Im starting to forget. All these negative feelings are overiding everything. But im holding on to our cracks. Trying not to look back. I know what I feel, but I just dont know if its what I want, for the lack of a better word.. Ive gotten like this before many times, but thats the problem. Why does it still come back? My unsureness of us is something to be reconsidered.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
People talk to me all the time about those who are socially stigmatted. They tell me how disgusted they are of the actions these outcasts make, how they pity the "poor things," how they're always going to need help, and they ask me my opinion of why do they do it? I give a shrug, fake a look of disbelieve and empathy, shake my head, and reply with the standard, "I don't know."
But the facts are these.
I do know.
I know because I am one of those monsters.
I am one of those hopeless causes that they look so down upon.
In these moments, I break a little more, falling into the mouth of the always hungry shame, guilt pushing me in. What can I do? There is nothing. What can I say? It won't change a thing.
Sometimes I tell myself, that there is nothing wrong with me. And I do believe my own lies more than half the time.
But the facts are these.
I can't keep running this endless cruel game of tag with myself.
Own up or die.
The latter is the easiest.
But the facts are these.
I do know.
I know because I am one of those monsters.
I am one of those hopeless causes that they look so down upon.
In these moments, I break a little more, falling into the mouth of the always hungry shame, guilt pushing me in. What can I do? There is nothing. What can I say? It won't change a thing.
Sometimes I tell myself, that there is nothing wrong with me. And I do believe my own lies more than half the time.
But the facts are these.
I can't keep running this endless cruel game of tag with myself.
Own up or die.
The latter is the easiest.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Map Envelopes
Maps-Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Aw, theyre so nice. I want some. With these babies, I will send mail via old fashioned way.
Want, want, want,
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
The Wilderness Must be Explored
I Just Came to Say Hello- Mashup Germany
A mashup of some of 2010's top songs
I will be the people in these pictures one day
Rambles
I am not sad. I am not in sorrow. Nor am I lazy, or mad, or frustrated. It is more than that. I do not want to claim what I am, though I know. I do not want to sound like an attention whoring apparently "depressed" artistic individual who is ungrateful for everything he or she has. I do not want to be like all the other teenagers who have access to the internet, for that is what most of them claim to be. I am not at all trying to sound high above my peers, I am just merely stating the facts and observations. Of course there are actual people who really are so. The surplus of social networking sites such as tumblr, FB, and twitter have lead to a rise in throwing around emotions such as love and the ever popular , depression. The statements of wanting to commit suicide is another topic that has also been at a rise. It is a shame. With these "confession" typed out for peers to see, it is hard to weed out now who actually really needs help. Everyone's depressed nowadays, so why should anyone be an exception?
Yes, I write questionable things of those themes on here, but nobody in my life knows about it. Maybe one or two people do, but other than that, this is just for me. I do not have my whole school following me on here, reading all that I put down. I do not write on here just to let people "feel bad" for me. No. I write here solely for my own sake. It is my outlet to slightly ease the pain of everyday bearings. I really am grateful, and I am aware of how blessed I am. But something in my head just didnt add up quite right.There are things about me. Things in my head. Things that wouldnt be accepted. Things I have not told anyone about. I know what I am. There is no need to tell people, who would understand?
Yes, I write questionable things of those themes on here, but nobody in my life knows about it. Maybe one or two people do, but other than that, this is just for me. I do not have my whole school following me on here, reading all that I put down. I do not write on here just to let people "feel bad" for me. No. I write here solely for my own sake. It is my outlet to slightly ease the pain of everyday bearings. I really am grateful, and I am aware of how blessed I am. But something in my head just didnt add up quite right.There are things about me. Things in my head. Things that wouldnt be accepted. Things I have not told anyone about. I know what I am. There is no need to tell people, who would understand?
Monday, March 21, 2011
Monsters
Would you still love me if i told you all my secrets. All my shame hidden in my brain?
All the warped realities that I hide from the world,
that I try to hide from myself?
Things can change.
My mind is full of jumbles.
My mind is a maze.
My mind is a neverending cycle.
Things moving at the speed of light, never cathing up.
Glimpses of things unseen are stuck,
Tiptoeing the corners of my world.
Images of warped reality,
Coming to put me in my place.
Confusion, disarray, loss of sanity.
It's frying my head.
I cant concentrate.
I cant remember.
I cant think.
My head hurts.
So much to say but never said.
So much to do but never done.
Dying dreams, rotting in hope and promises;
Promises that are left in Pandora's other box.
Always, always, I tell myself.
Though I know it will only always be a never.
I cant keep my word.
But I am a girl of talk.
How does my kind survive in this land of Actions?
Only one way:
Go back as ashes
Into the deep where Hell and Earth meet.
No heaven for us.
Just dying dreams that we left in her other box.
No heaven for us.
Confusion.
Disarray.
Insanity.
That is all that is left for us.
My mind is a maze.
My mind is a neverending cycle.
Things moving at the speed of light, never cathing up.
Glimpses of things unseen are stuck,
Tiptoeing the corners of my world.
Images of warped reality,
Coming to put me in my place.
Confusion, disarray, loss of sanity.
It's frying my head.
I cant concentrate.
I cant remember.
I cant think.
My head hurts.
So much to say but never said.
So much to do but never done.
Dying dreams, rotting in hope and promises;
Promises that are left in Pandora's other box.
Always, always, I tell myself.
Though I know it will only always be a never.
I cant keep my word.
But I am a girl of talk.
How does my kind survive in this land of Actions?
Only one way:
Go back as ashes
Into the deep where Hell and Earth meet.
No heaven for us.
Just dying dreams that we left in her other box.
No heaven for us.
Confusion.
Disarray.
Insanity.
That is all that is left for us.
Pushing Daisies
I will never ever forgive ABC for canceling this show. My heart broke when I saw the last episode. I need to stop getting so attached to characters, movies/shows/books alike, because it really does take a massive blow to my heart when any of them ends. It's depressing. Ugh. This show had one of the most original concepts, dialogue, and just plain everything ever. It's superb. Brilliant. Mesmerizing. Heartwarming. Witty. The adjectives I could use to describe this series is endless. If only Ned could touch it and bring it back to life...
If only.
Oh hell
As I sat on my bed, thinking, the prospect of the future came into mind. The future. The frightening, promising, intimidating future. Where will I be? What will I be doing? Will I be happy? The topic of the future never used to frighten me. I had formulated my life in all of it's entirerity- starting from which college I'd attend, to all the way where I would settle and retire. I was set, confident in the life I, or more likely my parents, had planned out for me. It was safe. Stable. Comfortable. Secure. Oh hell, it was boring.
The people, backgrounds, culture, and society that I have been surrounded by have molded me into a different person. Actually, that person was inside me all along. I just never let it grew until certain influences in life have made me realize it. Now that the idea of myself has been planted, growing into a healthy sproutling, the basis of my whole perception of the future has been turbulently shaken down. I no longer know what my plan is nor am I unafraid anymore. Technically I have many plans, I just don't know which to pick. I guess that's better than having no plan at all right? I'd like to tell myself that. Makes me feel a bit better.
So here I am now. A seventeen year old girl, couped up in her room on a lovely rainy Sunday, laying out what the hell she's gonna do in life. It's a common scene I believe Pure generalization. But anyways, where do I see myself in the future? Im afraid id have to write down more than one scenarios. Shall I start with the boring one, I mean the secure one that my parents had an amazingly high influence on? I find it fitting.
Future 1: (My parents are the stereotypical Asians who wants their kid to be a surprise surprise...doctor or lawyer. This ensures them in the future, knowing that theyll be taken care of properly when theyre back in diapers.) So the plan. No boyfriends and basically no social life so I can graduate high school as a valdictorian or saluditorian with some scholarship for swimming to UC Irvine or Stanford. After my undergrad years, I will resume schooling as a med student striving to become either a.) a cosmetic surgeon (so mother can get free lipo and breast lifts) or b.) a neurologist. I'd work hard and be graduate as top of my class and right after, volunteer in the peace corps. Coming back, I'd work under some of the best doctors in my field then later on open my own business. When my career life is stabled, Id finally date around , find someone who was also a doctor, get married, have three children (2 boys and 1 girl) and raise them in Rhode Island. Id have a large cottegy-esque white house with a quaint porch I can read on during my spare time. It'd between the beach and the woods, oh and I cant forget the dog. A husky, most preferabbly. My kids would then go to the top school and continue the cycle so they, in return, can take care of me, as I financially took care of my parents whod retired in the Phillippines. I'd die comfortable with only one of my passions completed. The End.
Future 2: (the one I want the most, but the one my parents highly dissapprove of) I'd graduate high school, not as a validictorian or anything but with honors still. I actually wouldn't go to a traditional college but more of an art school per se. I'd stay with my current bf (which my parents don't neccassarily know about yet do. It's complicated) and go to SF FIDM and take the Fashion Merchandising and Business course while he goes to SF state. We'd possibly live together, depending on if it works out. If it does, I really do plan on marrying him and having kids with him, 2 is what I'd prefer. I know I'm too young to be thinking of that but this is the future after all. Anyways, he'd probably some kind of a doctor and hopefully I'd be working for a highly paid store, not sure exactly which one though. Oh and I see myself living in NY after having my first kid. I'd also want to join the peace corps when my children are all grown up. I don't know, this future is hard to explain. So forgive me if this one seems clattered.
Future 3: This one is almost like Future 2 except i'd go to FIT in NY instead of FIDM in SF. Id take the same course as Future 2 but take the study abroad opputunity they offer at FIT. This undoubtedly would affect my relationship with my significant other so the marriage part in this is higly unlikely. I'll probably end up going back abroad and living somewhere like Milan or London, where I'd find my rich future husband. I'd start a charity with his money and volunteer around the world.
Future 4: It'd start of the same as Future 2 also but instead of going to art school, Id go to SF state as an undergrad and then transfer to UCSF to become a pyschiatrist, which I honestly wouldnt mind and also my parents wouldn't mind either.I'd see if it'd work out with my bf again. If so then marriage, if not Id move to wherever i'd get a high paying job such as a rehab center for those rich people. They always need help. Id join the peace corps proabably when Im older. This is the most likely one to happen I think.
I've planned out more other little futures but these are the top 4, either to happen or what I'd want to happen the most. Of course each one would have more complex details in it but if you want to get right down to the bone, well then that's it.
As I reread all my so called future plans, I realized that my life may never even get to that. To the future that is. I can't rule out death as a plan, unless I was a demigod which I'm unfortunately not, since we all will meet that future one day. Now you see, as much as it terrifies me not to, I've decided that our futures shouldnt be planned. At least not our whole life story. I should enjoy the present of the present. I've been so worried about what's going TO happen that I barely enjoy what's happening NOW. Not saying that you shouldnt outline ahead, this matter is more personal than general.
I'm not sure. Who is sure? If you are, well then drinks on the house for you. But life truly is about the journey, the means and events of how you get from point A to point B all the way around to point Z. Not on the fact that achieved getting to point whatever. Yes it's a cliche, but sometimes cliches are the best way to explain things eh?
The people, backgrounds, culture, and society that I have been surrounded by have molded me into a different person. Actually, that person was inside me all along. I just never let it grew until certain influences in life have made me realize it. Now that the idea of myself has been planted, growing into a healthy sproutling, the basis of my whole perception of the future has been turbulently shaken down. I no longer know what my plan is nor am I unafraid anymore. Technically I have many plans, I just don't know which to pick. I guess that's better than having no plan at all right? I'd like to tell myself that. Makes me feel a bit better.
So here I am now. A seventeen year old girl, couped up in her room on a lovely rainy Sunday, laying out what the hell she's gonna do in life. It's a common scene I believe Pure generalization. But anyways, where do I see myself in the future? Im afraid id have to write down more than one scenarios. Shall I start with the boring one, I mean the secure one that my parents had an amazingly high influence on? I find it fitting.
Future 1: (My parents are the stereotypical Asians who wants their kid to be a surprise surprise...doctor or lawyer. This ensures them in the future, knowing that theyll be taken care of properly when theyre back in diapers.) So the plan. No boyfriends and basically no social life so I can graduate high school as a valdictorian or saluditorian with some scholarship for swimming to UC Irvine or Stanford. After my undergrad years, I will resume schooling as a med student striving to become either a.) a cosmetic surgeon (so mother can get free lipo and breast lifts) or b.) a neurologist. I'd work hard and be graduate as top of my class and right after, volunteer in the peace corps. Coming back, I'd work under some of the best doctors in my field then later on open my own business. When my career life is stabled, Id finally date around , find someone who was also a doctor, get married, have three children (2 boys and 1 girl) and raise them in Rhode Island. Id have a large cottegy-esque white house with a quaint porch I can read on during my spare time. It'd between the beach and the woods, oh and I cant forget the dog. A husky, most preferabbly. My kids would then go to the top school and continue the cycle so they, in return, can take care of me, as I financially took care of my parents whod retired in the Phillippines. I'd die comfortable with only one of my passions completed. The End.
Future 2: (the one I want the most, but the one my parents highly dissapprove of) I'd graduate high school, not as a validictorian or anything but with honors still. I actually wouldn't go to a traditional college but more of an art school per se. I'd stay with my current bf (which my parents don't neccassarily know about yet do. It's complicated) and go to SF FIDM and take the Fashion Merchandising and Business course while he goes to SF state. We'd possibly live together, depending on if it works out. If it does, I really do plan on marrying him and having kids with him, 2 is what I'd prefer. I know I'm too young to be thinking of that but this is the future after all. Anyways, he'd probably some kind of a doctor and hopefully I'd be working for a highly paid store, not sure exactly which one though. Oh and I see myself living in NY after having my first kid. I'd also want to join the peace corps when my children are all grown up. I don't know, this future is hard to explain. So forgive me if this one seems clattered.
Future 3: This one is almost like Future 2 except i'd go to FIT in NY instead of FIDM in SF. Id take the same course as Future 2 but take the study abroad opputunity they offer at FIT. This undoubtedly would affect my relationship with my significant other so the marriage part in this is higly unlikely. I'll probably end up going back abroad and living somewhere like Milan or London, where I'd find my rich future husband. I'd start a charity with his money and volunteer around the world.
Future 4: It'd start of the same as Future 2 also but instead of going to art school, Id go to SF state as an undergrad and then transfer to UCSF to become a pyschiatrist, which I honestly wouldnt mind and also my parents wouldn't mind either.I'd see if it'd work out with my bf again. If so then marriage, if not Id move to wherever i'd get a high paying job such as a rehab center for those rich people. They always need help. Id join the peace corps proabably when Im older. This is the most likely one to happen I think.
I've planned out more other little futures but these are the top 4, either to happen or what I'd want to happen the most. Of course each one would have more complex details in it but if you want to get right down to the bone, well then that's it.
As I reread all my so called future plans, I realized that my life may never even get to that. To the future that is. I can't rule out death as a plan, unless I was a demigod which I'm unfortunately not, since we all will meet that future one day. Now you see, as much as it terrifies me not to, I've decided that our futures shouldnt be planned. At least not our whole life story. I should enjoy the present of the present. I've been so worried about what's going TO happen that I barely enjoy what's happening NOW. Not saying that you shouldnt outline ahead, this matter is more personal than general.
I'm not sure. Who is sure? If you are, well then drinks on the house for you. But life truly is about the journey, the means and events of how you get from point A to point B all the way around to point Z. Not on the fact that achieved getting to point whatever. Yes it's a cliche, but sometimes cliches are the best way to explain things eh?
Sunday, March 20, 2011
You are the Reason I Am
“I have always believed in numbers, in the equations and logics that lead to reason. And after a lifetime of such pursuits, I ask: What truly is logic? Who decides reason? My quest has taken through the physical, the metaphysical, the delusional, and back. And I have made the most important discovery of my career, the most important discovery of my life. It is only in the mysterious equations of love that any logical reasons can be found. I am only here tonight because of you. You are the reason I am. You are all my reasons.”
~ Nash from A Beautiful Mind
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
Dear blogspot, I have been neglecting you so. I have left you all alone, gathering dust each day. Ive taken for granted all the times when you were my only constant companion. Through all the bitterness, happiness, pain, love, fear... every single feeling that has run through my veins, you always put up with my madness. The only thing I have given you in return is my selfishness. And for this, I am truly sorry. I will, as much as I can, give you my loving. To cherish and to hold, till death do us part.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
1940-60s
The Way You Look Tonight- Frank Sinatra
Feeling Good- Eunice Waymon aka Nina Simone
Summertime- Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong
I was born during the wrong generation.
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