I think

I am going mad.

My feelings are series of opposite intensities. Hate to love. Desire to disgust. Understanding to ignorant. So on and so forth.

This roller coaster ride of feelings is starting to take a toll on my frail human suit. It cant handle the constant differing waves of emotions that my mind sends out throughout every single nerve in my body anymore.

There's a specially painful area around my chest. A constricting feeling, similar to that of drowning. I've been trying everything in my power to make it go away. Ive tried ignoring it, the inhale exhale technique, eating, writing here, Ive turned to music, tv, video games, etc. But yet it stays. In fact, the 100 pound brick chain tied feeling in my chest just seems to get tighter and heavier as the hour passes. I cant breathe, it hurts. If I dont breathe, Ill die. So im stuck, carrying the burden. Stuck with this heavy heart syndrome. Lucky me, to add to it my stomach has decided to join the party. There is an unbelievably uneasy feeling growing in the pit of it. Nagging, demanding attention.

I just want it to all go away.
Please.
And if not, at least level it down so it won't hurt this much.
Is that so much to ask?

Well I guess this is my fault. I shouldve known. Why dont I learn from my mistakes? I am so stubborn yet so naive. So easily prone to falling. This pain, anxiety, bipolarness, frustration, distress, anguish, hopelessness, confusion all come hand in hand in relationships. Someone please slap me hard for being stupid.

Ugh. I dont even know what to think. I cant make sense of this.

Fear and doubt has clouded over me at this point.

Thinking logically and realistically is not an option anymore.

I can't handle it right now.

I know, I'm not making sense. That is not an option either right now. Making sense. How can I can try to explain it in an understanding way when my head and heart are at war. Shambles, messy, incomprehensible.

The only thing that Im sure of right now, despite it all,  for the sake of honesty, is that I just need you here right now. Next to me. In front of me, behind me, beside me, whatever. I just need you now. I need to talk to you, to hold you, to push you away then take you back again. I just need you... no matter how much I dont want that to be the truth it is. I hate it. I hate this.

My calm composed walled up self has finally succumbed and crumbled.

I am a wreck. So quickly.
All you will see now is me, wholeheartedly and exposed.
No more defenses, no more allusiveness. This is it.

M.E.P.

We were never meant to be, baby we just happened.

Will Ferrell

Sleeping Beauty

Two People

Fuck You

Im sitting here

writing this, after hours of crying for you, for me, for us, for my parents. There's no one else to talk to. My parents are gone, my friends aren't here, and worst of all you're not. So I'm stuck here.

Just when I don't think it's possible for me to cry out anymore, the stinging comes and my eyes pour out endless waterfalls once again. I don't want to cry anymore. It doesn't solve anything. Now my eyes are burning, whether I leave them opened or closed and terribly more so when I blink. This is torture. Painful. Physical pain. But I would endure all the physical pain in the world right now just to take away the other kind of pain.

This kind of pain of not being able to call you mine. The kind of pain of not speaking to you, touching you, being with you. The kind of pain of losing you. The kind of pain of losing our love.

This kind of pain of ruining my family. The kind of pain of losing their trust. The kind of pain of knowing that all this is my fault and responsibility. The kind of pain of learning that I burden all my loved ones, even you.

You said that somehow someday we will be together again...I am torn on this.

We are so young. Just in high school. Of course people criticize and doubt our love because of our age. Even I do sometimes. My dad said that when he was our age he thought he was in love countless of times, but really it was just because he was a horny bastard and that every guy is the same. All they want to do is fuck. So you wouldn't be any different. His words exactly. I know a majority of guys are like that, but you are not. I know your're not. I know you love me like you say you do, but like I said before we're just in high school. Its just a pond preparing us for the sea- college, the rest of our lives. I want to believe it when you say that you will always love me and that you could never feel or look the same about a girl as you do for me...but honestly, there are billions of other souls in this world that could be for you,  and so of course I doubt that a bit. I'm just trying to be realistic here. This isnt a movie, book, song, or script written TV series. It's real life. Relationships these days aren't valued like they were back then so what are the chances of us happening again?

I know Im being cynical, but I have to prepare myself. Because if I dont and instead just hope that the things you say will happen... and it doesn't end up as so, I don't think I could be able to bare that.

I just love you. I love you so much, too much. You have to know that. I regret not showing you that enough now. Now that it is too late and we are not allowed to love each other.

It pains me that our love was so new, still growing, when it was cut short. Denied completely. I want that second chance for us to happen more than anything. I want to believe so badly. Should I let myself?

M.E.P

Yellowcard.

Dear Bobbie; p.s. the old man talking is Ryan Key's, the lead singer, grandfather reading a letter he wrote to his wife of 58 years.-





Only One (live version) -

I forgot how much I loved Yellowcard. They're songs are so beautifully written. These two songs are some of my favorites, hands down. Definitely planning on seeing them one day. 

Shark

It's not enough.

Sometimes I expect too much out of people and I end up disappointed.

I try to understand, I really do.

But it's exactly the one thing I hate in this world.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just overreacting.

No, scratch that.

I have to stand for what I believe in. No more putting it aside or letting it pass.

Scratch that again.

Im just gonna shop it off.

Unhealthy.

Note to self- change that bad habit.

Happy Trails,
M.E.P.

I thank God for letting me wake up to this today

It made my day just a bit brighter.

I wish...

...more people would change for the better.

Is it so terrible that I want the people I care for to be someone greater than they are now?

I just see so much potential in them that they do not see. They make these excuses on why they are the way they are. Why it's ok for them to do the things they do. But I feel like those excuses should not be a reason to stay stagnant and recess in life, but a reason of motivation.

I say that I accept them for the way they are, but truly deep down that's not the case. I feel like a villain for it, but that's the whole damn truth. Everyone has something to work on, habits to stop. So do I. I know I have so much room for change and I welcome it.

Change is good. It's part of life. We can either choose to flourish from it or let it be the downfall of us. I am proud of the changes I've made, even though there are still more to fix. The bad habits I used to do are now replaced by healthier actions that help me progress as an individual.

....

There is nothing I can do but tell them my opinions. The rest is up to them.

I know they can do it.
I guess it just takes time.

Happy Trails,
M.E.P.

And in case you were wondering..

..you are everything to me.

And I love you.

No fancy elaborate words, similes, or metaphors needed.


Just plain and simple.


Happy Trails,
M.E.P.

Alive

The water.

There's something about the water that draws me ever to it. May it be the pool in the backyard, the river in the woods, or the sea beyond the beach. I can't pin point out exactly what it is, but it's always been like this, the water and I. It's my haven away from the troubles and mishaps in this world, and sometimes I still think that I should have been born a fish, a shark, maybe even a mermaid. Silly, I know.

This mass of hydrogen two and oxygen one can be of the intimidating sort. At times it is violent, wreaking havoc with its tremendous force. Then there are those moments when it is meek, ever gently rocking you, drifting you away. I understand the water and its emotions. We share mutual feelings, the water and I. I admit there are occasions when I can't comprehend it, when it frightens me beyond my wits. Its dark depths a mystery until you jump in. But after that jump comes one of my favorite feelings in this whole universe.

The feeling you get when you blow out the air and let yourself sink down, down, down into the bottom. Nothing can compare to that instance, the instance that feels like infinity. It's intimate down there. Just me and the water, the water and I. Quiet. Peaceful. Down there, all the way down, I'm content. I am safe. Nothing can touch me. The feeling of invincibility surges through me. And when I open my eyes and see nothing but blurry hues of blue, I am home.

It's only when that choking needing comes, that cursed need for our bodies to breathe, that I wake up and realize sadly that this is not the home I was made for. Yet I stay there till I am to the point of drowning. To the point where my brain is giving off all signals in flashing red lights, "WARNING! STOP! BREATHE!" Only then do I come up. I swim to the surface, almost dying and when I get to the top and take that desperate gasp of air, I feel so ...

Alive.

Happy Trails,

M.E.P.

Man of a thousand faces

The Universe

This would be my sanctuary

My baby

Beautiful soul.

Happy Birthday John

Sheets.

Your Bed.

Pinned.

I'll paint you tomorrow

Nuff said.

Just a little tip

Every morning squeeze half a lemon into a cup of some good ol' H two Oh. Mix a teaspoon of pure, raw, straight out of Winnie the Pooh's jar honey with the lemon concoction and shabam, bottoms up, pinky out!  Add a cube or two of ice if you'd like. 

Trust me, itll do your skin and that body of yours some good.

What say you?

Happy Trails,

M.E.P

It's worth the fight

Application for the heart

Yumm Inception Boys

La Vie En Rose