I am going mad.
My feelings are series of opposite intensities. Hate to love. Desire to disgust. Understanding to ignorant. So on and so forth.
This roller coaster ride of feelings is starting to take a toll on my frail human suit. It cant handle the constant differing waves of emotions that my mind sends out throughout every single nerve in my body anymore.
There's a specially painful area around my chest. A constricting feeling, similar to that of drowning. I've been trying everything in my power to make it go away. Ive tried ignoring it, the inhale exhale technique, eating, writing here, Ive turned to music, tv, video games, etc. But yet it stays. In fact, the 100 pound brick chain tied feeling in my chest just seems to get tighter and heavier as the hour passes. I cant breathe, it hurts. If I dont breathe, Ill die. So im stuck, carrying the burden. Stuck with this heavy heart syndrome. Lucky me, to add to it my stomach has decided to join the party. There is an unbelievably uneasy feeling growing in the pit of it. Nagging, demanding attention.
I just want it to all go away.
Please.
And if not, at least level it down so it won't hurt this much.
Is that so much to ask?
Well I guess this is my fault. I shouldve known. Why dont I learn from my mistakes? I am so stubborn yet so naive. So easily prone to falling. This pain, anxiety, bipolarness, frustration, distress, anguish, hopelessness, confusion all come hand in hand in relationships. Someone please slap me hard for being stupid.
Ugh. I dont even know what to think. I cant make sense of this.
Fear and doubt has clouded over me at this point.
Thinking logically and realistically is not an option anymore.
I can't handle it right now.
I know, I'm not making sense. That is not an option either right now. Making sense. How can I can try to explain it in an understanding way when my head and heart are at war. Shambles, messy, incomprehensible.
The only thing that Im sure of right now, despite it all, for the sake of honesty, is that I just need you here right now. Next to me. In front of me, behind me, beside me, whatever. I just need you now. I need to talk to you, to hold you, to push you away then take you back again. I just need you... no matter how much I dont want that to be the truth it is. I hate it. I hate this.
My calm composed walled up self has finally succumbed and crumbled.
I am a wreck. So quickly.
All you will see now is me, wholeheartedly and exposed.
No more defenses, no more allusiveness. This is it.
M.E.P.
