I wish that was a word I could use to express how I feel.
I'm not happy. I am not happy. God, admitting that makes me feel like an ungrateful wretched brat. But not coming into terms with that truth would be catastrophic. Personal wise. Soul wise. To me. Everyday I feel like I am losing more and more of myself. Losing my real self by deceiving my own mind into believing that I am happy. Pretending everyday that I actually start to regard this fabrication as reality. This pretense of mine is surely unhealthy.
I think the reason why I dont attempt to stay in touch with people anymore, like how I explained in my post earlier, is because talking to them will undoubtedly reveal my act. Or perhaps not, since I still do fool a load of people. If they did notice something was wrong, they wouldnt understand. They'll listen without listening. I can count only a handfull of people who see me. Me wholeheartedly and see that I'm not myself. Which brings me to the thought of, who am I? I dont even know anymore. Im like a zombie, alive but not.
Meaningless talks, artificial joy, counterfeit "I'm fines" and excuses.
I just need to get out of here.
I'm suffocating.
I need to escape to a place where people are not so trivial and superficial. A place where I don't have to hide from the world. Im stuck. Im a crash and burn wreck. Im a failure. This post is an example of it. Im pitying myself and complaining, when there are actual real problems in this world.
But then again maybe it's ok to do so once in awhile. Maybe that's why Im so unhappy because I never talk about it. Never complain, just keep my feelings bottled up.
Who knows.
Who cares?
